This one’s for all the people who want to be allies to trans people and other marginalised groups even. It’s about the importance of saying sorry.
I’ve been spending a non-zero amount of time with a toddler. They’re heading towards three now and they are great. They’re so full of joy, life, love, laughter. They’re so curious about the world and seem to properly listen when you explain things they’ve asked about. I don’t know what the future holds for them, but nothing fills my heart more right now than getting to be there for each and every step.
All of that being said; they are a toddler. They occasionally do things that are bad and need to be told it was bad and learn how to apologise for doing bad things. For example; I was asked to come over and babysit while one parent was out and the other working from home but with many meetings to attend. During the course of our rumbling around the house pulling books and toys out and then not playing with them, the kid threw something at the plants.
The parents love their plants and the kiddo is old enough to know better. They have definitely been spoken to about being too rough with the plants before. But hey, I get that things get a little bit exciting sometimes and kids forget themselves. So I wasn’t about to immediately time out or naughty step them, I just asked them to apologise to the plant for throwing things at it. The kiddo did not want to apologise to the plant.
Playtime got put on halt for a life lesson as I didn’t just allow the kiddo to walk away and pretend like nothing happened. I explained it to them that what they did wasn’t very nice, which they agreed with and understood. I explained that I know it was an accident but that doesn’t make it any less hurtful, which they agreed and understood. I explained that when you do hurtful things you should apologise, because it makes people, and plants, feel better. They agreed and understood, but they did not want to apologise.
At this point they were full crying in their refusal, it was somewhat heartbreaking and I felt quite bad. It would have just been so much easier and more fun for everyone if I had just given up the pursual of an apology altogether, if I’d just let them go back to playing with toys and watching TV like nothing had happened. But something had happened and all I was asking for was an apology.
There was some attempt at bargaining where kiddo would try to explain away their behaviour suggesting it wasn’t a big deal! They didn’t throw anything that big and it barely hit the plants anyway! They didn’t mean to it was an accident! For all the things they did say during this little cry-fest; none of it was an apology.
It was about 15 minutes in when my supervising parent stepped in to back me up and help give my non-parent words some more authority and weight. Another 15 minutes and a sit on the naughty step later and we finally got the apology! Both the parent and I said thank you and gave the kid big hugs and it was back to play time, happy as can be.
This story came to mind over the weekend as an editor blew up in my mentions, blocked me, mutual friends contacted me and a whole bunch of nonsense drama happened where once again; all that had to be said was “I am sorry”.
The short and vague story is that 3 years ago a publication I was extremely proud to freelance for kicked me in the tits by publishing a sopping defense of JK Rowling. They found my work through my blog and thought my voice was great and could do with a wider audience. It felt incredible to be valued like that so when asked I would happily go out of my way to do things like meet a 24 hour deadline, despite the complexities of some stories.
I think I did 6 pieces for them, some at half the standard rate due to “budget”, before the JK Rowling piece came out. When it did I approached the editor credited with the piece by the writer and sent them a DM expressing my disappointment. We probably said less than a few full sentences to each other, though I was offered a commission to talk about how I feel. At no point did the editor apologise for the piece, they closest I got was “I’m sorry you’re upset”.
As you can imagine, I wasn’t too pleased with that. So for the last 3 years I’ve spent every chance I can shit-talking that publication. When people have shared their work, I have told them not to and to instead use archive services if they absolutely must. When friends in media have asked about them in group chats I have said “don’t work with them, they like to double dip and play both sides, they did it to me”. My bio on Twitter used to include a credit to the publication, which I added an “(Ew)” in brackets next to before removing entirely.
The publication has largely published trans supportive material since then, so naturally when I made a snide post about the editor on Bluesky, they got indignant. Immediately they linked me three pieces – two from trans people one from a cis person – about trans equality which they had edited. They blocked me pretty quickly after that and through friends I heard they were going off on one for a bit about how Bluesky is exactly like Twitter and they’re such an ally and I’m being mean because they had a lot on at the time blah blah blah blah blah.
Through the absolutely pointless exercise of a social media drama I have now, after 3 years, finally received an apology to the community from the editor who published that piece. I have also found out that the editor in question felt like they were forced to do so by someone in a more senior role and felt like their job was at risk if they didn’t. All of which I would have loved to have heard 3 years ago but instead was simply told “I’m sorry you’re upset”.
I can’t fully rescind my “don’t work with them” stance until I know that the senior editor who pressured this editor into commissioning this piece no longer holds influence at the company because if they did it once they could do it again. But it is nice to finally have some kind of closure on 3 years of being angry and feeling betrayed by people I had personally worked for.
I am a little upset about the toddler-brained shenanigans that ensued over the weekend however. Full disclosure; they weren’t entirely in the editor’s court. With 3 years of anger behind me and what, at first, looked like a complete lack of regret for the JK Rowling piece given the editor’s replies; I was an asshole. I let people send me screenshots, I made fun of the editor, I tore into their work unnecessarily. I was hurt, yes. But I didn’t need to be a dick about it.
For that, I am sorry. I could have absolutely handled all of this better especially if my main criticism this whole time was “the editor could have handled this better”. But I did not act like an adult or very professionally and that was wrong of me even if I felt like the editor in question also wasn’t handling things like an adult or very professionally. Again; I apologise wholeheartedly for not reigning the worst parts of myself in better.
Learning to say sorry when we mess up is important. It’s important when you’re a rambunctious 3 year old smashing up plants, it’s important when you’re an adult and an editor forced to publish bigotry, and it’s important when you’re a prominent community voice trying to lead by example. It’s important to recognise and understand what you have done wrong and then to apologise, sincerely, for having done it.
We don’t learn or progress while we stamp our feet and act like nothing has happened.